Scattered Aurora

I have been thinking about the documentary that we watched in class a few weeks back and on which my post, The Catharsis of Torture was based. We couldn't watch the complete documentary due to the emotional upheaval it caused in me and my friends and which caused the teacher to stop showing the documentary citing it as emotionally disturbing in view of our behavior. Although I'm not sorry that I haven't been able to watch the complete movie (knowing my frustration of leaving things incomplete; surprising ain't it) but I still feel guilty. Guilty that I have been able to put it in the back of my mind and scurry back into the escapist world that I have created for myself; my very own private bubble. Guilty that I couldn't face the truth; that my so-called opinions and beliefs couldn't give me the strength to sit through the portrayal of truth however gruesome it might be. But I couldn't and I still can't. Even if I could, I wouldn't want to. Why? I don't know; no idea, utterly clueless. I'm ashamed of myself, of all my high-handed principles, of all my big talks; but it is a shame which I'm willing to live with.

It's strange but I have grown up watching violent and gruesome movies with my dad and bro but in my mind there is a huge difference between a fictional and a true story. Somehow the words ''documentary'' and ''true story'' take the picture to an altogether new phase one which I'm not sure I will ever be able to climb up to. I remember when a few years back when the horrors of the Abu Ghraib Prison and Guantanamo Bay Detention facility were publicized. At first I was very curious as to what was all the uproar about but my curiosity fast dwindled into disgust and horror at the barbaric callousness of these soldiers who are supposedly fighting for justice and peace (huh! what a joke!). After reading a detailed report in the newspaper on the torture of prisoners I started avoiding any stories that gave details on both the detention facilities. I remember not reading a newspaper for like two months afterwards.

I know that some of my readers will be disgusted at my confession and some might even call me a coward but I feel that I don't care. I'd rather live in the beautiful world of my own rather than the real world of horrors.