Scattered Aurora

Issues of life which might seem so insurmountable right now, appear to be so very petty in the face of the last conqueror...when Death conquers all. All these issues, hopes, aspirations, dissappointments, and other emotions which we humans are so fond of identifying ourselves with to evoke sympathy for our cruel plight. All the dreams, the expectations and the desires and needs are washed up on the shores of Death and there they dry up and shrivel, of use to none, until they rot and fall to dust just like our sacred bodies. Then nothing is left to identify us with only a tombstone etched with our identity in this world and a few memories left with our dear and close and even those fade after a while when our dear and closed ones get engrossed in their lives, 'trying' to forget us and succeeding all too well. No offence to the living relatives they have hell to go through when they realise that the person they have lived a part and in some cases entire lives with is no more. I admit anything can bring me to tears quite easily, even advertisement commercials so my coming to tears is not that big a news but when you witness the despair in those loved ones as they say their final goodbye to the lost soul, the anguish in their eyes when they realise that who was, was to be no more with them in their lives, the dejection, the depression, the hopelessness, the desolation but most of all the isolation and the grief can breakdown any human capable of feeling emotions. Even now my tears are falling for the family of that blessed soul who went through ten days of torture on this world and i have to remind myself yet again that her next life is going to be a better one. Consoling myself is easy, consoling them is impossible. I can never realise the extent of their loss and selfishly enough i don't even want to. I've lost enough of my loved ones to not want to experience that pain again.
I try not to think about it, not to associate myself with them and act like all the others do - pat them on the back, give them a hug, hold their hand, shed a few tears and say everything is going to be just fine. But i cant...no matter how much i try no matter how hard i find myself being drawn into their world of grief and misery and once there sharing their loss and crying my soul out with them. I do not know if this is what they mean when they say being with them in their dark hours, but i cannot stop the waves of their grief and anguish crashing over me...the depression that follows this deluge of tears might seem a good sign to some but infact is heart-wrenching. To others it appears that the affectees have finally accepted the fact that she is no more but in all honesty, acceptance is as far away for them as she is. Man finally redeems himself in the eyes of his fellows as he picks himself up from the unconsolable bawling baby phase to the being a man phase and letting go of all the bad times and taking life as it comes. But all this is once again pretence; a mask for the society not to condemn us. In fact we live with this continuous black hole inside us which in time might stop consuming us but it still makes its presence felt.
Its strange how even happy memories can make you cry and the sad ones can make you miss the departed souls even more. All those fights and harsh words arise clearly in your mind and you deem yourslef as the most cruellest of men to have said all those things. All those laughs and scoldings and joyous moments come second to those self accusatory times. new regrets are born and at that time more than anytime else man wants to turn back time; to go back in those memories just once to erase the hurt look from her eyes, to wipe off the angry frown from her forehead, to crease the face into a lil more smile, to hug her just one more time, to feel her love and her acceptance of whatever we are and all her kisses and goodnight stories and all her lectures and jokes, all her pamperings and comfortings and all her embarrasing stories about our childhood in which we appear to have run around the entire neighbourhood naked all the time. What we are left with are just memories of those times. We look into the kitchen and see her making dinner and telling us just what a horrible day she had just because we forgot to clean up our room. We come back home from our university just to see her standing at the door, arms open wide, embracing us with all the love that only a mother possesses and in a split secong moving from the Ever-Loving Mom to a why-the-hell-didn't-you-reply-to-my-letters Mom.
I Love You Soooo Much Mom and i hope that i never have to see you walking out of my life never to come back!!!

P.S. A very close aunty of mine died after suffering from a debilitating disease for the past 14 years...i started writing this in mind of her kids and what her death made me feel...but somehow it went on to moms and then to my mom... Please pray for the person we've lost...

This post was written on 19th January in the memory of a close relative who passed away.